fall theme

I have one thing to say.

Grad apps suck.

That is all.

24

Tis the mark where you begin to feel "old." After the hubbub of college and postgrad "freedom" has died down a bit, where people say it's the beginning of a lifelong downhill (for females at least), when your friends start getting hitched left and right, and when King Taco hot sauce decides my stomach is now an enemy.

Is it strange that in my mid-twenties, I still feel like I'm barely a teenager? Despite all that God has given me to experience and feast on, I'm definitely not at the place I imagined to be at this age. The more I learn and see of this world, the more doubtful I become of myself. There's so much out there and I try to imbibe as much of the good as I can without entirely neglecting the unpleasant, but this leads to feeling like I'm being pulled in so many directions. And leads me right back to square one.

Which makes me so thankful of the fact that if I've grabbed onto anything, it's this - that there's nothing I can do on my own. I am the second man. Following right behind Jesus is where I need to be. And nothing else in this fleeting world can ever dare to compare. Here's to another year of dropouts, failures, and "not what I thought it was"-es! I eagerly look forward to them because realizing that GOD IS... is so sweet.

"I wrote this song near the end of my 24th year on this planet. Wherever we run, wherever the sun finds us when he rises, we remain stuck with ourselves. That can be overwhelming. Sometimes I feel like my soul is polluted with politicians, each with a different point of view. With all 24 of them in disagreement, each voice is yelling to be heard. And so I am divided against myself. I feel that I am a hypocrite until I am one, when all of the yelling inside of me dies down. I've heard that the truth will set you free. That's what I'm living for: freedom of spirit. I find unity and peace in none of the diversions that this world offers. But I've seen glimpses of truth and that's where I want to run."

- Jon Foreman

we are all beggars

i’ve seen some strange things on the subway here in korea, and during my month-long stay i’ve gotten pretty used to them. this includes drunk behavior, weird fashions, vendors hauling their carts selling knickknacks, even really dirty snotty men who blow the contents of their nose on the subway floor. but one thing always manages to unnerve me… people who go up and down the cars doing nothing more than simply begging.

there a couple of different types. some systematically work their way around the passengers and drop on their laps a half-sheet with an explanation of their plight and a polite request for assistance. there’s also those with crippled legs who wear some ridiculous rubber pants and push themselves along the floors with their stomachs on top of a rough wooden dolly. some, sin dolly and simply sliding on the floor. and there are some who simply repeat “도와주세요…” over and over with their cup outstretched.

i don’t know how to think when this happens. there’s a conflict of my desire to help that person, but reason kicks in and tells me that this is not a way that will help them, but make them more dependent on begging… that it’s not a permanent solution to their problem. it isn’t, for sure. but damn my reason. chesterton says that imagination doesn’t breed insanity, reason does. and it makes sense. how could i trust my own reasoning, something that’s been created and fostered by my godless surroundings? as they come by on their second round to pick up their papers, i always have this wild desire that makes me wanna tell them about jesus and wish oh so hard for korean fluency so that along with my money, i could tell them they're not alone and that they're loved. maybe this is some sort of proof of the craziness of reason.

i remember being so impressed when sam came up with the idea of homeless giftcard ministry in kcm. it took care of the worries that these druggies would spend their money on things we wouldn’t approve of, and touched upon the ministry aspect as well as it had a short but relevant bible verse in case the meeting was brief. a very good practical solution. although i haven’t seen very many giftcards in korea (most are for department stores), i’m sure there is an equally impacting way that this idea could be applied. i am lazy.

this past sunday i went to a church in 진주 and heard a sermon titled “the fat man in a dying city.” how ironic… i am definitely getting fat in this city. must have gained all my pre-insanity weight back. how much better am i than these people on the street and subway? korea seems like such an affluent, fashionable city but take a couple blocks’ walk and chances are you’ll pass people who aren’t so wealthy. go to seoul station and you’ll see one of the most popular gathering places for homeless people with their own stories but equally dirty and lacking basic necessities. how much better am i than they are, that i’m sitting here living off the fat off god’s grace? makes me grateful, then curious, then sad and confused, and finally i just throw the whole mess into the back of my mind so that i don’t have to be bothered by it anymore.

in front of 건대, there’s always the same man sitting on the street with his brown bowl. he’s really dark and burnt to a crisp, but besides that the first thing i noticed about him was his bare feet. they were cracked and swollen and he was sitting there in the rain, while right across from him there was a clothing store with a display rack full of socks… even though it’s summer, i wanna give that man socks. i think i will.

some things i've noticed/gotten used to in korea

- Ajumas paint only their big toes when using nail polish. The rest are bare.

- Tutus are apparently not limited to the ballet studio anymore.

- Girls love wearing long fluorescent socks with their nice heels... disgusting.

- I see just as many guys wearing murses as girls wear purses.

- If you're the first couple of people to arrive in a nice store on its opening hours, be prepared to awkwardly soultrain your way down amongst greetings and bows from all the employees lined up.

- Fruit is just waaaay too expensive here.

- Korean nail polish remover smells so good.

- Salesladies will call you "unni," even if they're 25 years older than you.

- On the subway, if the person sitting next to you stands up and leaves, people scooch over and rearrange themselves so that there's at least a space between them and those around them.

- End seats are preferred.

slaves to righteousness

¹⁵I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. ¹⁶And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. ¹⁷As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. ¹⁸I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. ¹⁹For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. ²⁰Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

²¹So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. ²²For in my inner being I delight in God's law; ²³but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. ²⁴What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? ²⁵Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself in my mind am a slave to God's law, but in the sinful nature a slave to the law of sin.

Um...... how is it that these are my thoughts exactly? La biblia's pretty cool.

on my mind at the moment...

The idea of "calling" is such an opaque, sometimes nebulous concept, especially when you try to explain it to someone in plain English. It's more than just a feeling in your gut, although that's part of it. It's more than using the "adaptive unconscious", as Malcolm Gladwell puts it in his book, Blink. It's feeling a sense of peace that you're doing what you were made to do... It's experiencing deep-seated joy in living out that sense of calling, even when the going gets tough. It's knowing that God is smiling down on you as you take each step of faith.

What's your calling?

the fern and the bamboo

One day I decided to quit… I quit my job, my relationship, my spirituality… I wanted to quit my life. I went to the woods to have one last talk with God. “God," I said, “Can you give me one good reason not to quit?” His answer surprised me…

“Look around,” He said. “Do you see the fern and the bamboo?”

“Yes,” I replied.

“When I planted the fern and the bamboo seeds, I took very good care of them. I gave them light. I gave them water. The fern quickly grew from the earth. Its brilliant green covered the floor. Yet nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo. In the second year the fern grew more vibrant and plentiful. And again, nothing came from the bamboo seed. But I did not quit on the bamboo.”

“In year three there was still nothing from the bamboo seed. But I would not quit. In year four, again, there was nothing from the bamboo seed. I would not quit,” He said.

“Then in the fifth year a tiny sprout emerged from the earth. Compared to the fern it was seemingly small and insignificant… But just 6 months later the bamboo rose to over 100 feet tall. It had spent the five years growing roots. Those roots made it strong and gave it what it needed to survive. I would not give any of my creations a challenge it could not handle,” He said to me.

“Did you know, my child, that all this time you have been struggling, you have actually been growing roots?”

“I would not quit on the bamboo. I will never quit on you.”

“Don’t compare yourself to others,” He said. “The bamboo had a different purpose than the fern. Yet they both make the forest beautiful.”

“Your time will come,” God said to me. “You will rise high.”

“How high should I rise?” I asked.

“How high will the bamboo rise?” He asked in return.

“As high as it can?” I questioned.

“Yes,” He said. “Give me glory by rising as high as you can.”

I left the forest to bring back this story. I hope these words can help you see that God will never give up on you.

--Author unknown