all that glitters is gold

I had a weird dream last night, weird even that I remembered enough of it to attempt writing about it at all. It starts off with me walking along a beach very much resembling the main beach in Lost (haha). By all means it was as richly turquoise and breezy and serenely beautiful as one could ever hope a beach could be. I was walking along but started heading away from the shore and towards that little place where Eko builds his church (haha, maybe I'm missing Lost a little too much). I'm surprised to see a really elaborate sandcastle there with impressive structure and intricate detailing and the towers nearly up to my chin! It was like those sandcastles you see in professional contests and all too perfect until upon closer look, I saw that one of the towers was destroyed... clearly someone had kicked it in. I was freaking pissed. But soon I became curious as I saw little bits and pieces of the broken tower twinkling in the sun, and I realized there were little thin shavings of gold embedded in the top part of the tower! I carefully pulled some out and set it to the side, then all of a sudden I had a stroke of madness and climbed right into the castle and stomped my foot into the main courtyard. Out came small pebbles of gold, then chunks, and as I dug deeper and deeper, huge rock-sized pieces that required both my arms to carry. I started carrying all my findings to a small building nearby (I think it was a church?) but now that I think about it, I had nothing on my conscience even though I knew I was digging to keep all that stuff. I even started working faster on transferring my booty (aha!) because I was afraid somebody would come and discover it. Flakes, pebbles, and boulders done, the only thing left was the towers. And when I broke them, LIQUID gold starting oozing out and I was in bliss. I don't know how I gathered all of it up and took it to the church building (probably used a Summoning Charm or something as equally genius), but right when I was about to store the last of it all, I found a nameless someone had discovered it and was waiting for me. And I still feel faint traces of the overwhelming guilt, guilt, guilt as the dream ended...

One of my old roommates told me how whenever her grandma dreamt about anything related to money or wealth, money would indeed soon come their way and bless their already rich and non-Christian lives. Prophecy dreams, I suppose. Pretty cool. Now I'm not one to be insanely money-greedy, nor am I in such a financial jam that I'd be dreaming about something like this. Perhaps this the beginning of Mammon's real hold on me? Whatever it is, I'm honestly pretty creeped out. I've always thought myself impervious to certain things, or okay certain SINS and this is/was one of them. I honestly don't want the rich lifestyle and all the requirements and work that comes with it, I just want to live simply. But alas, my proud and unrealistic heart.

2009's been THE year of the revealing of my sins all throughout. It's been a pretty emotionally nerve-wracking year as God finally granted my years-old prayer and song, "open the eyes of my heart, Lord" and I was pasted flat on the ground by the weight of it all. While it might seem like it was horrid, I'm so grateful for the beginning of what's going to be a really long, hard, and tedious process of cutting through my titanium heart and laying it all out like a human should be. I finished reading Screwtape Letters this past week (upon much pressing from Joan), and just..... wow. Sin is sin separate from me, and everyday I gotta clear my vision and actively fight this spiritual fight. Go read this if you haven't already, it's a must for Christians, and even if you're not a believer, C.S. Lewis takes on a really unique POV in writing it. They're literally letters from one demon (Screwtape) to his demon nephew (Wormwood), instructing and guiding him how to correctly befuddle his "patient" (a human) to turn away from God through a lot of things that seem normal and not so bad. Regardless, you'll be rocked. Trust.

I have so much more on my mind but it's 12am and it's way past my bedtime... sad. Brief runthrough: I've gone up a pants size and I'm getting mad and depressed at the same time, I'm so proud of my Katie Kim aka the hottest new reporter in Michigan, is it worth it to get a live Christmas tree this year? qualms about recent changes in the iglesia, I'm definitely noticing myself becoming more antisocial, I'm perpetually cold from head to toes in my house nowadays, Christmas songs are already beginning to annoy me (bah humbug), and all I wanna do AS OF THIS MOMENT RIGHT NOW is to go to LAX and hop on an airplane for Argentina.

4 to 6 to 8?

Being at home is not good for me for many reasons, but the most pressing and visible (no pun intended) is because I'm getting fat, FAT and FATTER by the day.

Sadly, this is all I can think of writing right now. Qué lástima.

cinderelly

Since being back at home it's been hard to adjust to a slow-paced life, as I'm sure it is with many of my other fellow grads. I've gradually been learning to put the brakes on and convince myself that it's a travesty not to enjoy this time of my life, as I'll never have another like it. A typical schedule goes like this:

• 7:10 - Wake up and clamber sleepily downstairs to join my family for breakfast, something that my mom absolutely insists on doing together since our family's schedules never work out to meet otherwise.
• 7:30 - Clamber back upstairs and plop myself into my bed to continue my rest with a full belly. It's disgusting, I know.
• 9:30 - Wake up and feel guilty for not sticking it out in the morning and doing something productive. Brush it off in search to satisfy my stomach, which somehow always mysteriously empties its breakfast and is grumbling again.
• 10:00 - Laze around the quiet house for an hour or so
• 11:00 - Study, read, and anything else of an academic nature...
• 3:00 - Tutor, usually 2-3 kids a day
• night - Twice a week I have night classes, otherwise I'm out or watching old VHS movies on my forgotten little TV I brought up from the garage.

Of course, everything has longer than necessary breaks and lots of facebooking in between. Honestly, I do need to manage my time better and be more intentional with my plans. But there's a weird sense of freedom in my unplanned day that I've never really experienced before... and I like it. And even though I don't see too many of my friends, that's strangely fine too. God and I are enjoying each other right now :) haha. It's really the best.

Otherwise, I've really been interested in sewing lately. It's so unlike me, someone who stinks so much at arts and crafts. But in the name of Hye-Song's Halloween Cleopatra costume, I've been frequenting Tall Mouse and Joann's Fabrics more and more lately and those cool little packages with the patterns look so tempting to try. Granted, I don't know the first thing about sewing but how hard can it be? You just follow the directions right? And besides, my mom has a pretty nice sewing machine sitting dusty and unused in our garage and I think it's pretty lonely. This might be a good time to unleash the grandma in me and try something new.

latelatelatelatelate

I came across the story of Saul while reading el Bible the other day. He was such a huge and influential king, and God was on his side. He fought and conquered, and God blessed him in so many ways. But almost equally, Saul failed God in many ways. Deceived, stole, tried to kill, and basically was unfaithful to God. Not an unfamiliar story. And ultimately, God rejects him as a king. Literally, He says "I regret that I have made Saul king, for he has turned back from following me and has not performed my commandments." (1 Samuel 15:11)

Dang... Saul was a fail. And there's also King David, who also ultimately failed as a king. But if you look at his story, God looks upon him with favor because David really repents of his sins. Not once do you see Saul taking the fault upon himself, he always tries to blameshift.

These days, God's been making me think about what it means to be a leader. About how much responsibility we have, and especially how much more harshly we'll be judged and such. It's actually really frightening to think about, especially since I feel like I've been doing close to nothing lately for all the activities that God has entrusted me to lead. No preparation, prayer, not even thinking about it unless it was something along the lines of "I really have to put more of myself into this."

I can blame being sick for two months, or some other lame excuse. But the fact is I just haven't been growing personally as much as I did last semester. I guess this is sort of a dry testing time for me... and it's bad because I know what I have to do, I could recite it in my sleep. But usually I don't. jfkdsla;fjdsahgdasj

What is it to be a leader? In a worldly definition, those who are best trained, qualified, and deserving. But Christian leaders are those who follow His ways and seek after Him wholeheartedly, and in return, are trained by Christ to perfection....

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Hi blog, I'm slowly coming back.... I wrote this post awhile back and saved it meaning to finish it later, but I never got around to it. Although my current situation isn't the same as back in March when I wrote it, it's nevertheless a good reminder for myself and hopefully, for you as well :)

not enough

Hello, blog.

I'm sorry to have abandoned you for so long... I've been meaning to update but things have been going at breakneck speed and it doesn't seem like it's gonna let me stop and catch my breath for awhile.

Until then, I wanted to post this... It's playing over and over in my heart these days.

I want to see miracles, see the world change

Wrestled the angel for more than a name

For more than a feeling

For more than a cause

I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And You're raising the dead in me...

And uh... yeah. I'm going to Bolivia (missions) and Peru (to romp with mountain goats) in two weeks.

Things are JUUUUSSSTTT beginning!

wanderlust

Usually I'm not one to rave about anything regarding my academics, but I gotta say that I love my language acquisition class. We learn about the formation of new languages, pidgin and Creole (no, not the one from Louisiana) and now we're concentrating on sign language. It's interesting to see what kind of confrontation arises from two or more different languages coming together, and amazing to see how quickly humans are able to overcome that block by creating a new language. It really is an extraordinary ability, to have language and grammar. And to have so many varying languages at that. Think of how many must have been created since the scattering of languages at Babel. And with that, the death and decay of languages. And since language is so connected with the culture, it's pretty crazy to think that there's new cultures, new groups of people emerging and others, dying away... God's so crazy and creative.

So thinking about all this made me think about the world. Which made me look at maps, again. Which led me to think about places I'd love to visit, again. Which led me to go off on travel fantasy and divert my much-needed midterm studying way off course. I always do this... making up mock itineraries with cool underrated but absolutely stunning locations, looking up flights and hostels, planning activities... then looking at the price tag and leaving the whole mess completely disheartened. Man. It sucks being a college kid. It's the one time in your life where you're actually physically the most able to go adventuring, you're willing and free from work, ready to absorb the cultures of the world and broaden your experience palate and all that and then it crashes because of money. Money money money.

But this time it'll be different. I'm at a point in my life where I really need to dislodge myself from this narrow-minded place called LA, even if it for just a little while. Mentally and emotionally, I'm just plain bored. So to put my last couple hours of internet searching on display, I've compiled a list of possible places to go after school ends. Thank goodness, I've been hearing all around that flights haven't been this cheap since who knows when. Preferably, immediately after graduation because flights will only go up as it gets into summer.

1. Peru - Cusco, Machu Picchu, Lima, Madre de Dios. I've always always always wanted to go to Peru with its ruins and greenery. And Spanish, of course.
2. Ireland. Flights are amazingly cheap ($300 round trip!), but I fear the euro once I get there, oh yes I do...
3. Argentina
4. Thailand
   
5. Somewhere in Eastern Europe...

Okay so not as detailed as I was really thinking/planning, but I figured nobody really wants to know the nitty gritty anyway. With the economy as it is and whatnot, does this seem selfish of me? I hope not. But maybe it is. Or maybe this is because I didn't get into my study abroad program. Or because I'm still feeling the burn of my spring break trip letdown. Or because I'm not going to Puerto Vallarta with everyone else. Anyway, if anyone's interested in seeing the world with me, holler.

Only two more months till graduation... insane.

stuck

I'm not moving anywhere right now. I dearly want to move forward in this life, bettering myself and all that. But lately for some reason, I'm being reminded of things in the past and sins that I thought I had overcome and been healed from. But maybe I haven't. It's disgustingly amazing to see how much bitterness can pour out from the tiniest and most trivial thing. And in most cases it doesn't matter to anyone else in this whole universe, just yourself. Why do I do this.

But when I look at something like this, you can actually attempt to feel a bit of the sheer infinitude of this universe. Of God's power. And in proportion, my smallness. My insignificance. And it blows away my pretty little noggin, every single time.



Turn your eyes upon Jesus
Look full in His wonderful face
And the things of the earth will grow strangely dim
In the light of His glory and grace

conviction

How do I know that God is alive and real? How do I know that Christianity's not just something brilliant made up by people smarter than I am? How do I know I'm saved?

I know because I can see that my life is in a process of being changed. Things that happen in my life bears witness as something that is linked, however loosely, to God's truth and grace. I know that there is no way that I think the thoughts that I do, do the things I do, or feel the way I do when I come into His presence without having encountered something that is this real. Little by little bit everyday...

I can say all this, but I know that my profession of faith in Jesus Christ in itself is worth nothing. I should be doing as a style of LIFE the will of my Father. And my style of life should be one of walking in God's truth. Which leads me to a well-known quote that God showed me recently and has really challenged me to the core...

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.” C.S. Lewis

That's me. Unbreakable, impenetrable, IRREDEEMABLE. What an ugly word. BREAK my heart for what breaks Yours...